Tequila Hangover

Anger is my least favorite emotion. 

Yesterday was so horrible. Never again. I'm done with alcohol forever. (I'm totally lying). I refuse to guarantee that I won't drink, but I can guarantee that I'm never chugging tequila again. It was nasty. 

However, I definitely don't regret how free and honest the tequila made me. Alcohol tends to make me my coolest self. I'm cool sober too, but when I drink, I feel extra me. I don't need it to be cool, but it's like truth serum. I love to call, text, and annoy everyone in my phone. Even people that I don't really know. I love it! I refuse to be embarrassed by my drunk actions. I support them and stand by them sober (unless they're bad, please don't hold me accountable). Basically, I'm a nice and open, friendly drunk. So if you ever want to know everything, anything, and nothing at all, let's drink! I'll spill every one of my secrets. Every single one of my desires. My fears and insecurities. All that stuff that I keep to myself, drunk me happily gives it out because she has her arms held out wide for others to do the same. 

If there's one thing I want others to know, its this: I will accept you. All of you. I will show you mercy, forgiveness, and loyalty. I think it's just cause I want the same. I just want to take care of other people. But, I find it very difficult to even show the same love to myself. I'm trying. Drunk me seems to have it figured out.

The other night, I did exactly that and more. 

I was able to open myself up to two people. My roommate/friend, who I had such a deep and meaningful conversation with. We have many similarities. I see myself in so many of her words. Over time, I'm hoping to grow to a great friendship. Maybe one day, I'll consider her to be one of my best friends. Wish us luck. Oh and the other person I opened myself to: my future bf. I think I was a little too honest. But, that's okay. I'm really really trying to be more vulnerable. But also no. I don't want to be vulnerable.

I hate having something to lose. I lowkey (highkey) have this fear of rejection. I don't think I can be vulnerable because like right now, I kind of wish I didn't. Like no, you can't know me like that. You actually like me for me? That's complete BS. If you see my flaws, you will leave or worse. You'll use them to hurt me. To judge me. If you know my flaws, you will just reaffirm them. I've just equipped you with the tools that you will use to destroy me. I've just exposed the crack in the foundation, and you will ruin it further until all of my buildings crumble. So I have to pull away before you even get the chance. 

Or, what's hard for me to understand, you won't do any of those things. (I'll believe it when I see it). 

Everything I confessed to this man, was completely true. I hate that. I hate how much I like him. 

I've just laid all my cards on the table and he's picked them up? But for how long will that last? Holy trust issues. Or abandonment issues? I think it's a mix of both and so much more. 

That's what I have been pretty frustrated about. At myself but also my parents. For the past couple of weeks, I've just felt so utterly frustrated with my parents. I do love them. I swear I do. I don't love that I've always had to be so independent because they are so incompetent. Wow, that's really mean and I don't want to put that out there. I would delete it but it's true. I'm frustrated that I can't rely on them. 

I'm even more frustrated that it's not entirely their fault. It's this stupid cycle. You grow up with shitty parents or shitty circumstances or whatever you go through, and it affects you forever? It affects your children and their children?? I don't care, I'm breaking the stupid cycle. And I will do it all alone. I'm frustrated because it's not fair. I wish my parents didn't suck. I wish they had chosen to give their kids better lives, but they didn't, and it's not even their fault. I still love them. I just don't need them.

 I love them, though, I promise, but I owe them nothing. I am grateful for all their sacrifices, I am. But when did I ever ask for them to do so? I love them. I love my family. I feel so guilty admitting all this, but f*ck you guys. Love you though. Just wish you did better. Thank you for letting me learn from your mistakes, though. I promise to take care of you when I break the cycle. I promise.