Glass Half Empty

I don't want to think worst-case scenario, but that's basically what's happening to me, and I already accepted it. Actually, I feel like giving up. I guess I've been through worse, and really, I could get through this too, but I'm tired. I'm also really angry/overall frustrated with it all. Basically, I'm so over it. I'm that kind of tired... once again. Maybe it will always be like this.

Why is life so difficult? I'm so tired of picking up the pieces and fixing myself. Over and over, I fix myself and change my thoughts, promising to do better. I would say that I have changed for the better, but actually not that much. Sure, I've accomplished things -- well, started to accomplish things -- it's not much, but it's better than before. That's good enough. Right? 

I'm trying. Or I was. I did try. I really did try for a good bit there. I was happy for once. Like really, really happy. That was my doing. I did so great for like a few weeks. I was trying. I don't necessarily want to try anymore. Also, like, I'm totally fine? Like, I don't really care about anything anymore (like in a non-worrying way).  I'm not as worried as I should be. Semi-worried. 

I do worry, but then it's too much, so I stop. If I ignore it and shove it down, then I can pretend that everything is fine. 

I'm sick of stressing out and being depressed and everything else I feel. This ain't nothing new. I've always been this way. Maybe it will always be this way. Or not, who knows? I guess I know. Deep down. I know. I really do want to live. I guess I don't really care. I don't care. I don't care if I live or if I die, and that sucks. That really sucks. No, seriously, that's a huge bummer. 

That's not to say that I don't have goals. I have so many goals. Lots of dreams and wants. There are some aspirations there, too. 

I really want to get married and start a family. I can't wait. Honestly, I'm ready for that as soon as it makes sense for me. Like right now? Hell no. 

Okay, I know it's not some crazy, unique dream, but it's my ultimate goal in life. I want to be a wife and a mother. Both are equally important to me. I need to have both. Tbh, my dream is to be a stay-at-home mom. 

Let me run it down for you: I want to get married. Buy land, build my dream house, or buy a house with land. I want something that is handcrafted and is my unique space. Have like 2-3 kids. Ideally 3. I want 2 girls and a boy. I want that so badly. I want other things too. I'm also like really tired, though. 

I'm actually going through my blog posts right now, and I think I only want like one kid. Okay, maybe 2, so the one kid is not spoiled. Being married is non-negotiable for me, and as much as I don't want to rush things, I don't want to date for like 6 years with no ring. I can't quite think of the timeline, but maybe 2 years from now? I know that I am wife material and I'm ready for the right person. 

Honestly, I don't think the idea of marriage, even really young, is scary. If you truly love someone, genuinely, what's the point in waiting?