Love Letter

 I think I'm too quiet for my own good, but silence is so easy for me. It's pretty safe, too, but maybe my silence has isolated me.

I haven't touched this blog in forever, not that anyone even reads it anyway, but I felt the need to come back. I actually really enjoy writing. I wish I were as expressive as my written words are (I don't know if this sentence makes sense). 

I used to believe that I could handle being alone forever if I had to be. And that it would be really easy for me, and that it was what I deserved. I used to believe lots of stuff. 

For most of my childhood, possibly even still now, who knows, I had a really bad habit of talking to myself. Not in a crazy way. More like speaking my thoughts out loud. But it was something I could do for hours, and was just always doing by default. I couldn't stop myself. I also had a very imaginative brain, so I could keep the charade up for hours. No imaginary friends or anything like that, just me and well me. I would walk around in circles through my house just pretending. I fear maybe that I was too good at being my own company, but also, I had the company of my family. 

I really do love my family, but I just needed to get out. I needed to get away from who I had become. 

The other day, I saw a photo of me from a couple of months ago. I think something finally clicked for me; the absolute look of defeat in my eyes and the sadness on my face broke my heart. For so long, I had been suffering (I genuinely mean that). But for too long, I didn't care about myself enough to change anything, and in the back of my mind, I had always had an out. Eventually, one day, I would do the ultimate act of service for myself and end my suffering once and for all.

I'm not going to do that because I realized: I do love myself, I do matter to me, and I forgive myself. 

I had actually meant to write this blog post dedicated to my boyfriend. I wanted to say some stuff that I need him to know about me, because maybe it could explain why I act the way I do. I'm bad with words. Actually, I'm bad at sharing my feelings and thoughts. 

I'm just going to write him a letter instead.  A love letter, of course. 

Goodbye for now!